SO, big news. Doraelan came at me the other day. Yesterday in fact. With an army at his back. And army of knights and soldiers in white and red. Fiercest normal people I’ve ever fought since that one mercenary who fought four harpies for a handful of gold coins. They attacked me. How did no one see an army of ten thousand people in white marching at us? My scouts and sentries are worthless. They all need to be replaced. Twice. Just to be sure.
In the midst of the battle Doraelan challenges me personally. As if I wasn’t going to find and destroy him. Bastard takes the time in the middle of a battle to speech at me. And dodges my crossbow while he’s at it. He’s swearing eternal vengeance and listing out my accomplishments like he’s angry and not impressed. He goes on and on. Vengeance this, justice that, smite me this other thing. Turns out, my rival villain isn’t a villain.
If any of you…ANY OF YOU…knew that Doraelan was a hero, I will destroy you and your world. And I’ll find a way to do it again. And I’ll make sure it hurts.
A HERO! And I haven’t taken him out yet? Disgraceful. Arneian bastard. And at least a third of his white clad army is Arneian. I thought I’d destroyed enough of them to never have to see any more of them again. Arneians. Always the crusading types. Cannot stand them. Could never stand them. That’s why I invaded, butchered my way through the streets, burned their cities and desecrated their temples. And HERE THEY ARE! Crusading at me.
Do you know how many of his white and red army actually walked away? Most of it. Almost all of it! He lost less than three hundred! And I lost two thousand. Mostly goblins, and they never mattered anyway, but still. It’s the principle of the matter. I am the Profane Lord! Scourge of the world! War Chief of the goblins! Tamer of the ogres! I killed and ate dragons! And these exiles…these REFUGEES think they can defeat me? ME! And they have the AUDACITY to actually win against me in the field? They attacked MY CAMP! MY CAMP! I will destroy them. ALL OF THEM! And any of you who knew Doraelan was a hero all along.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
A Question About Victories
Is it really that time again? What was I thinking? Anyway, next question:
“What was the best victory you've had so far? Was it the bloodiest battle, the easiest fight, the triumph that accomplished so much for you? Are you looking forward to a particular victory?”
That’s a good question. Well, first and foremost, I’m really looking forward to sticking Doraelan’s head on a pike. That’ll be a pretty good day.
How do I choose the best victory? The most fun? My victory over the goblins was pretty fun. Little bastard thought he was winning until I kicked his head off. That was pretty fun. Not much of a victory, but fun nonetheless. Easy too.
The bloodiest was definitely the Bloody Hills. Obviously. They’re called the Bloody Hills now because of the battle. I remember that. It was after the ogres left but before I found the goblins. I had the harpies and a couple undead legions but without the ogres I really needed something more to fight. So I hired mercenaries. A lot of them. All the mercenaries in Sulwora and Etraylye. Fifty seven thousand mercenaries, five thousand undead soldiers, and…I don’t know, let’s say seven and a half thousand harpies.
I needed the hill forts and the roads in the hills, but there was some Arneian exiles camped there with an army or two. Less that a third of what I had. So I move in. It’s a good move. It’s not bad at least.
So there I am, besieging four forts at once for days. Twelve days I’m throwing everything I have at these forts when another army marches in from the south. And a couple thousand ogres come in from the north. The following couple weeks were not a pretty sight. The hills were red for months. Even the rain couldn’t wash it out. I left with twelve thousand mercenaries, fourteen thousand undead, and close enough to all the harpies. They don’t really like to be counted. But only a dozen of the Arneians left and none of the ogres. So, yeah. That was the bloodiest.
Shorlathon was probably the best. Two weeks and I took the whole region. There were lots of battles. In castles, cities, in the field, and so on, you know what the place is like. It was especially noteworthy as it was my first conquest by sea. I tore to ships apart for catapults and battering rams and camp fortifications. The goblins swam. And ran on top of each other. It was amusing.
Shorlathon was the best, the Bloody Hills was the bloodiest, and the goblins was the easiest. And killing Doraelan is my most anticipated.
“What was the best victory you've had so far? Was it the bloodiest battle, the easiest fight, the triumph that accomplished so much for you? Are you looking forward to a particular victory?”
That’s a good question. Well, first and foremost, I’m really looking forward to sticking Doraelan’s head on a pike. That’ll be a pretty good day.
How do I choose the best victory? The most fun? My victory over the goblins was pretty fun. Little bastard thought he was winning until I kicked his head off. That was pretty fun. Not much of a victory, but fun nonetheless. Easy too.
The bloodiest was definitely the Bloody Hills. Obviously. They’re called the Bloody Hills now because of the battle. I remember that. It was after the ogres left but before I found the goblins. I had the harpies and a couple undead legions but without the ogres I really needed something more to fight. So I hired mercenaries. A lot of them. All the mercenaries in Sulwora and Etraylye. Fifty seven thousand mercenaries, five thousand undead soldiers, and…I don’t know, let’s say seven and a half thousand harpies.
I needed the hill forts and the roads in the hills, but there was some Arneian exiles camped there with an army or two. Less that a third of what I had. So I move in. It’s a good move. It’s not bad at least.
So there I am, besieging four forts at once for days. Twelve days I’m throwing everything I have at these forts when another army marches in from the south. And a couple thousand ogres come in from the north. The following couple weeks were not a pretty sight. The hills were red for months. Even the rain couldn’t wash it out. I left with twelve thousand mercenaries, fourteen thousand undead, and close enough to all the harpies. They don’t really like to be counted. But only a dozen of the Arneians left and none of the ogres. So, yeah. That was the bloodiest.
Shorlathon was probably the best. Two weeks and I took the whole region. There were lots of battles. In castles, cities, in the field, and so on, you know what the place is like. It was especially noteworthy as it was my first conquest by sea. I tore to ships apart for catapults and battering rams and camp fortifications. The goblins swam. And ran on top of each other. It was amusing.
Shorlathon was the best, the Bloody Hills was the bloodiest, and the goblins was the easiest. And killing Doraelan is my most anticipated.
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