A Question About Heroes

You people ask a lot of inane questions. Did you know that? Like this one:

“I was wondering what kind of hero is the most annoying--those boys from humble beginnings that are secretly trained my some teacher that helps them master their magical powers, the kind that's a valiant prince with dashing looks and incredible swordsmanship, the chosen one type... Which is the most bothersome?”

Well, that’s not quite as inane as I thought. So, let’s get to it.

Heroes? Heroes aren’t much of a bother. Sure, they can be annoying, but that’s about how it. Really. They come at me alone, or in groups of four to six. Against my hordes. It’s really hilarious. They walk into camp, preach for a while and then the goblins swarm them. Or if they come alone I like to shoot them in the head while they do their speech. It’s GREAT! “For the sake of WhatsitTown, and the good of all I will” THWACK!

Priceless.

If they come in groups, they’re just as easy. Kill the one casting healing spells and THEN let the goblins tear into them. The best ones are the ones that walk in wearing polished armor. Suckers don’t get past the third word of their speeches before the harpies swoop in on them. The harpies can’t kill them really quickly because of all the armor, but they stop preaching and swing wildly at them. Ever try to hit a bird with a sword? It’s exactly that effective.

Sometimes I don’t kill the heroes right away. Sometimes I take them alive and make them watch ask I burn their town. Or make them clean latrines.

Actually the biggest issue I have with other people is with other villains. Stubborn old warlords holed up in their private fortresses, dark wizards in towers on cliff tops and raining fireballs. But it’s not just that they’re tougher than heroes. It’s that they have armies. That takes work to deal with. The active ones are the worse because they are out in the field and I might just run into them while traveling. And those battles are always a huge mess. Huge mess. Sometimes I find them invading the same cities as me. While it’s amusing to watch the defenders panic at the sight of a horde on either side, it just makes taking the city harder when there’s another army trying to take it.

The worst of all the villains I’ve run across is this Doraelan guy. He’s a real jackass. Dresses in white with a red cape. Only good thing about him is that he hates goblins as much as I do. He doesn’t get the whole villain thing, either. He’s never conquering anything. Ever it seems. Maybe he’s one of those puppet master types. That has to difficult for him because he’s always leading armies against me for some reason. I don’t know what I did to piss him off so bad, but there it is. He probably told me when I wasn’t paying attention. If he’s not attacking me directly, he’s reinforcing cities in my path. So I have to either commit to a slog of over a week or change course. Maybe he’s trying to stop the biggest threat, me, but having everyone attack me so he can slide in when everyone’s distracted. Sneaky.

But there’s still one thing that bothers me about him. Every time we meet he challenges me to a duel in the name of Justice. Of course, I laugh and shoot at him, but he deflects it and runs, or calls his minions to attack. He’s skilled, but he’s an idiot. What the hells kind of villain fights for justice? Almost sounds like one of your wimpy heroes.