A Question on Strategies

It’s question time, minions.

“How exactly did you go about taking over the world? What strategies have you used to get so far?”

Looking for something to steal and use in your world? Good luck. You’d need to be awesome like me to make this work, and if you were this awesome, you’d already be conquering your world. But I suppose I did agree to answer the questions you ask so you could attempt to recreate my successes. Fine.

As you may have guessed if you were paying attention to my previous answers, which you clearly weren’t…

You know, if you’re going to ask questions you should at least pay attention to the answers! I am taking significant time out of my busy schedule of global conquest to answer your meaningless little questions and you don’t even read them. You know what? I should just stop now. You don’t deserve my wisdom. I’m done. I mean it.

　

　

　

　

I suppose I’m already taking time out of my schedule…a little more probably won’t hurt. But you better pay attention and appreciate it.

I decided to conquer this world many years ago, and I always knew I’d be doing it through military might. Sure, some villains like to try subtle machinations over decades to come to power without anyone realizing it until the plan is complete. While very cool, I knew this wasn’t for me because it just takes so long. I don’t want to spend decades prodding people into doing my bidding. Alright, I didn’t always know this wasn’t for me. I tried it for a while, but on a much smaller scale. Not he world, but a country. A smallish one. I spent a year and a half maneuvering from the shadows, telling people what to do and tricking others into doing things that helped me, but you have to realize that this method is just a house of cards. One jackass with the gall to not mind his own business and stick his nose where it doesn’t belong and the whole thing comes falling down.

You have to really cover your ass the whole time when you try this way. And you have to plan to fail, which struck me as odd and…backwards. But I guess that’s why it’s so cool when someone does this successfully. Even when they lose, they win in the end. But even having learned from my mistakes with this, I decided that it wasn’t the right way to go. As cool as it is to pull it off, it does mean spending a lot of time not doing a whole lot. And sometime you just have to let people do the things you need at their own stupidly slow pace. However, even in the short term and on the small scale, this is something that can be really useful. I mean, I have agents in half a dozen really big kingdoms setting up these houses of cards…house of cards-s?…whatever…they set up these crazy schemes and moves that distract the kingdoms long enough for an invasion to get a major foothold.

Some villains like the global extortion thing where they threaten to destroy the world or major parts of the world with a super spell or whatever unless they surrender control. This is pretty brutish, and cowardly. I have a few wizards on payroll that do this sort of thing in kind of smaller scale, but I really don’t like it all that much. It’s really weak as a global conquest method.

As I said before, I chose to go military. I built the hordes and invaded. I started with mercenaries and ogres and a couple legions of zombies. Then the ogres got all in a fuss about the whole head removal thing. Total overreaction on their part. I managed to send them back to their mountain and will totally conquer it later. Maybe when they calm down a little. This was about the time I found the harpies. Their society lends itself pretty well to being used for conquest. It certainly doesn’t hurt that they don’t know that they’re shock troops. They think they’re just following my armies and that they’re gathering those coins I launch at the outset of battles. They aren’t too bright. Or they just really love shiny things more than I thought. Either way, I win.

I was fighting for a few years before I found the goblins. Actually, it was a total accident. I marched into this valley/canyon/river/swamp/thing and saw houses so I decided to stay and invade. It was the goblins. We fought for a few weeks and we killed a lot of goblins. I mean, a lot a lot. At one point we piled them up and the pile was about a hundred feet wide and sixty feet high. And that was just the one week. There are SO MANY goblins. After a while the kingfish guy came to my camp, challenged me to a duel, and I kicked his head off. Turns out, goblins are really easy to conquer.

I don’t know if it was the swamp or the bodies, or the goblins, or the burning mountains of goblin bodies, but something attracted the gengaraks and I haven’t been able to get rid of them since. But they eat my enemies too, so whatever. Use what you have, right?

So my method is military conquest, but I use the destruction threat thing and the political movings and such to help conquer places that are really stubborn, or just not worth my personal attention. So, this is probably how I’ll conquer your world when the time comes. But don’t think that knowing how I’m going to do it means that you’ll be able to prevent it. Oh, no. Maybe this is one of those really subtle moves or whatnot. It’s not, but it could be.